Sunday, September 26, 2010

In A Rut.

I'm in a rut. I've been in a rut since I've come to college five weeks ago. I just feel...lost. Lost is the word I think describes it best. I have some good friendships starting. I've met some great people. I have my beautiful cousin here, and my sweet best friend right down the road. But, spiritually...I am lost. Deep down inside...I'm not okay.

Do I miss high school? Not really. Some teachers and some aspects of it-but all in all, not really at all. I love college. I love being able to skip chapel if I want without getting a ticket. I love being able to sit in my car in the parking lot without a cranky security guard come to my window and tell me to get out. I love having professors that are on fire for Jesus. I love prayer before, during, and/or after class, and I love that my faith and my education are integrated. They're not separate entities anymore.

I love college. I do. But it's still so hard. It's hard to not have my best friends around. It's hard being so independent, but also realizing that I need so much help. I hate asking for help. I would rather do things the hard way nine and three fourths times out of ten than asking for help. DBU has helped me with that, but it's still hard. I was not expecting such a huge adjustment. I knew it would be different and hard, but I did not think it would be like this.

I really needed a friend the first few days here...but that was the time that all my friends were needing a friend too. I am the "mama"/counselor for most of my friends, so of course I listened to them, prayed for them, checked up on them. That's what I do, that's what I'm here for, that's what I love doing. Being needed, being the "meltdown police" satisfies a passion deep in my soul.

Anyway, as awesome as it was to be needed, I definitely put myself on the back burner (as usual). I didn't realize I was doing it until now, when friends are getting better. Mostly. Now I reflect on myself, my personality, my issues. And I just feel overwhelmed. I would really like a self-vacation where I could just leave and think about things, spend some time with Jesus. I need it. I miss Him so much.

I know He's there-oh, how I know He's there and waiting for me. I'm not sure what I did to drift away. I hate being in this place...not knowing what to do, not knowing how to fix it. I miss my Savior, my Best Friend, my Love.

Lord, bring me back!!! I need You so stinkin' much!!!!!! Give me assurance that You're here. I know You're still there, but I just-I can't get there somehow. Please show Yourself, reveal Yourself to me. I need You so badly.

My brother is in China. I haven't heard his voice since August 20th. I miss him so much. We have been through a lot together, and he gets me. He gets me and comforts me and encourages me and tells me how it is. He helps me with my homework. He reassures me. He loves me. I miss him so much. I need him right now. I'm glad he's traveling and doing life...but is so hard!!!!!!!!!!!! I keep thinking, if only I had a phone call with him...but it wouldn't be enough. I would want one more, and one more. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him sometime-but it's not guaranteed, and that's okay.

I am upside down right now, and I need a friend. My best friend is going through a lot and doesn't really know what to say when I pour my heart out. I need my Jesus. My Best Friend. My Love. I miss Him.

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