Saturday, August 28, 2010

Beautiful.

You're beautiful but you don't know...can't see what's there inside your soul
Always feeling like you're not good enough...
You wish you could be someone else.
Sometimes you just can't see yourself.

You never think you measure up-never smart or cool or pretty enough
Always feeling different from all the rest.

-Exceptional by JoJo


I love songs like these that talk about being beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful like Eden...the peaceful garden...the original "Shalom." Beautiful...God created us to love beauty. He created us in His image, and He IS beauty.

I have struggled with insecurity for a long time. The first time I remember being really sad about the way I looked was when I was ten, because people at school made fun of the way I looked. I remember in junior high I would look in the mirror and bust into tears. In early high school years I would sometimes slap the bathroom door or the mirror when I looked at myself. Was this the way my God intended it to be? To be so angry, so hateful, so sad towards myself? I don't believe, nor have I EVER believed that.

Regardless...
it is a DAILY battle. Some days, it's easy. I look in the mirror and tell myself that I don't look half bad today. Some days, it takes all the strength I have in my five-foot-one body to fight against my flesh, fight against what the world says. And some days, I don't even try to fight. I just give up.

When people ask me if I think I'm pretty, I always reply that I KNOW that I'm not. Not by the world's standards. I am not the type of girl that people look at and say, "Dang." And that's okay...not everybody is like that. I agree with the statement that everyone is beautiful in their own way, but I don't think the world is on that boat yet. Does the world's opinion matter? No. Honestly, it has no merit whatsoever. My JESUS bled and died for MY sins, and He knew my faults and the ugly attributes I have. Those words give me hope, and I believe them with my whole heart. However, the world is still...the world...and people are still people.

It's hard being at a place where virtually everyone is outwardly pretty. Daily, I look at these people who are picture-perfect, talented, godly, real...and I almost feel embarrassed..shamed. I KNOW this isn't how God wanted it, either.

I have been struggling with this for a long time,and have tried to give it to the Lord multiple times...but it always comes back. I have this nagging, terrible desire to be perfect, measure up, make others proud. At the end of the day, I am not perfect. Not today, tomorrow, or yesterday. I realize that...He can have my bag of worries. But I sure can't ever seem to just shake all of it off.

God is my Strength, my Constant, my Life.
"The only Thing worth holding onto is holding onto me."

No comments:

Post a Comment